The Weight Within

As I write these words, a weight settles in my chest, and my throat feels parched. Lately, I’ve been openly grappling with thoughts on self, work, and life. Some days, my heart swells with self-appreciation, leaving little room for external validation. Yet on others, a void opens up, questioning my purpose, my mission, my very identity. Recently, I’ve felt a sense of stagnation creeping in. It’s as though I’m gasping for air, struggling to move or even utter a sound. Though my hands are free and my limbs unbound, it feels as if my strength is being slowly drained away.

I yearn to progress, to thrive, yet something seems to hold me back. Is it the fear of failure, or the nagging doubt of being “worthy enough”?

What does one do on such days? I’ve heard assurances that they shall pass, that every end marks a new beginning, and every night yields to dawn. But what if the days remain as gloomy as the night? For so long, I’ve been the one encouraging those around me to push harder, to strive for excellence, to never relent unless they absolutely must. Yet, what has drained me of my own vigor?

I write this while awaiting clearer skies. I can no longer romanticize gloomy days and cups of coffee.

I’m confident that I’m meant for more than the ordinary, and every day, I commit myself to delivering nothing short of what I believe I can and should achieve.

दिल ना उम्मीद तो नहीं नाकाम ही तो है, 

लंबी है ग़म की शाम मगर शाम ही तो है

Though I can be hard on myself, I recognize that the challenges I face are common, and solutions are within reach. Here are some strategies you may find helpful:

1. Recognise and accept that it’s normal to experience fluctuations in motivation and clarity. Allow yourself to embrace both the highs and lows of your journey.
2. Make time for introspection and journaling. Writing down my thoughts often brings clarity and solutions.
3. Reconnect with your values and long-term goals. Clarify what truly matters to you in life and work.
4. Always be your biggest cheerleader! Celebrate your progress along the way, no matter how small.
5. Always reach out to friends, family or your partner for support and talk about how you feel. I feel incredibly lucky to have a supportive circle of people who genuinely believe in me and stand by my side UNCONDITIONALLY. They are my harshest critics and my strongest supporters.
6. Make your physical, emotional, and mental well-being a priority. Engage in activities that rejuvenate your energy and bring you joy, whether it’s exercising, pursuing hobbies, taking long drives, or anything else that resonates with you. For me, cooking is one of those activities.
7. Embrace the fact that uncertainty is a natural aspect of growth and change. Rather than waiting for absolute clarity, take action based on the information and intuition available to you in the present moment. I’m ready to finally launch the show I’ve been putting off for so long.
8. In the end, remember that meaningful progress often takes time. Stay committed to your goals, even when faced with setbacks or challenges.

क्यों डरे जिंदगी में क्या होगा, कुछ न होगा तो तजुर्बा होगा

Do you like what you see in the mirror?

How you present yourself matters more than how others see you.

Over the past few months, I have focused more on how I see myself and trust me, it is a real game-changer. You can do so much to cultivate good habits, pay attention to your personal growth and identify what works for you and what does not, when you’re not focusing on who is judging you.

The growth is yours, after all. It belongs to you and it shapes who you are.

A growth that is sustainable is always a combination of multiple factors that come together. I have been a journalist for more than 4 years now. But, the amount of confidence and self respect that I have achieved in the past few months is based on several other nuances that contribute to the way I see myself.

I do things not just to look good for the people I deliver my news to but also to like what I see in the mirror. After years of shying away, I now realize the importance of self acceptance and give myself space to learn, fall, get up and try even harder.

The way I present myself, the way I dress up even for a recording that does not reveal my entire outfit or for a meal that I cook just for myself- all these factors are building the woman I choose to be every single day.

I love picking out powerful stories for my scripts everyday, but I also love dressing up boldly, making my bed, spending a significant amount of time making a good, satisfactory cup of coffee and so much more.

A half-hearted story or a messy kitchen with left-over food- both make me restless. These small habits and actions have created me and there are no compromises there.

I am a work in progress and this is the most amazing time to get to know myself.

Start Your Journey!

Do you believe in yourself when you say “everything will be okay”?

I have spent years trying to distract myself and blindly believe that one day-I’ll be okay. I knew there would be a day when I would no longer be able to fool myself. 

I am a committed, loving daughter to my parents and a dedicated and passionate working professional. I am also a work in progress like all of us are. 

I find excuses to show more love when I see that I am deprived of the same. I find reasons to work more when I can sense a mental breakdown. I go out of my way and do more for people I love because I think a part of me heals that way. For the longest time, I thought I had cracked the formula to fix myself.

If you’re reading this and you’re a young adult or someone with decades of life experience, I just want to tell you- We are all looking for answers, but we can never find it in others.

Understand what it is that you’re willing to give to others, and then give it to yourself FIRST. No, I am not talking about going on solo dates or movie nights. That is a choice. I am talking about realizing that THIS LIFE IS YOURS. 

As humans, we are dependent on others for companionship and emotional needs. But what we forget is what we are left with when all of that is snatched away from us. 

You can be married, living with your family, living alone-but you cannot stop living with yourself. 

Talk to yourself, understand what works for you and what doesn’t. Know yourself, not through others’ eyes but your own emotions, your own journey and aspirations.

Build a relationship with yourself. It can be a work in progress for years, but there is nothing like accepting and loving yourself. It has to start with you first and then with someone else.

My journey of getting to know myself started very recently and it feels like there is so much to know and fall in love with.

I hope you start your journey soon! See you on the way. 

If you are a working individual, this is for you!

You cannot deliver EVERY DAY. But you must believe that you can, EVERYDAY.

There is no one day that you can celebrate as your success or achievement. It is a journey and you must enjoy every bit of it.

As an entrepreneur and a journalist, I have been invited for talks and guest lectures multiple times to address a room full of young, driven minds. But if you ask me today, where do I see myself in the next 5 years, I am afraid I do not have a definite answer.

To some, this may sound like I don’t have a plan. But, the truth is, being where I am today was also never a part of the plan. The 21-year-old young journalist working for a news organization would’ve never imagined to start her own and build a team. She didn’t have the time to decide what she wanted to eat, let alone thinking about starting a company from scratch. But such is life. You explore, you experiment and your journey changes. 

There are days when I feel things are out of control and then there are other days when I realize that this is my journey and I need to take charge.

I have been on too many sides of the table to realize how things work when it comes to bringing out news. I have been a writer, an anchor, a video editor, a camera person and what not. Some days have been comfortable enough to spoil me, other days made sure I realize how challenging this journey is. 

The only thing that has stayed constant is my discipline. My commitment to work harder than yesterday and less than tomorrow. 

Yes, you can have a 9-5 job, cut off ties post work and enjoy your personal life. But you cannot deny how much your work impacts you and shapes you. 

I was a journalist who was hungry for news. I am now an entrepreneur who wants to deliver what people deserve to know. What you do, how you do it and why you do it answers some very basic and vital questions about you.

Don’t be hard on yourself to be a go-getter or an achiever everyday. Anybody can win an award or a title. Focus on achieving growth and creating an impact. 

Have patience, live the questions and struggles and soon you’ll find yourself experiencing the answers.

I CHOSE TO BE A JOURNALIST, NOT AN EMPLOYEE

One leg on the bed, another on the floor as I decide between attending the meeting and making breakfast. You cannot skip either of them, can you? But you can survive on a cup of coffee and some cookies as your boss is all riled up in search of ‘NEWS’.

Journalism, they say, isn’t an easy profession. But is the responsibility difficult? Or people who have shouldered them? 

I remember struggling to wake up every morning and replacing the cup of coffee that I finished at 3 am with another one at 8 am. Trust me, it was never by choice.

I realized I was adding one extra spoon of coffee with every passing month but nothing could freshen me up.

NEWS NEWS NEWS! CRIME, CASTE, HEALTH, POLITICS, EDUCATION, SO MUCH!

Something I stepped into ‘to increase my horizon’, managed to trap me and put me in a cocoon. I realized I had lost the ability to question, comprehend and realize what I was doing because of the idea of “just get done with it”.

3 stories in a day, 2 in the pipeline, 4 in my head, 3 in my boss’ notes. But what took away the limelight was that one story by someone else that missed my attention.  

At first, I thought it was very normal for my mind to be ‘preoccupied’ until I understood that all my thoughts that probably were never executed, came in the way of others. What was alarming is that there were no personal-professional boundaries.

I remember writing a story I strongly felt was crucial for people to know. I researched well and was eager to read it myself. But did I write it well? No.

I also remember not eating well that afternoon. I remember standing in the kitchen with my laptop on the fridge as I ‘HAD TO’ submit the story.

Something that gave me immense learning, suddenly became a piece of submission. It lost its essence and clearly did not indicate my effort.

Juggling between ‘did I put sugar in my coffee’ and ‘how will I submit this by 3pm’, I saw my passion for journalism take a backseat. I had become an employee, not a reporter. 

And one day, I chose the balance. I chose to pursue my passion and not a job.

I chose to live for my stories and what drives me and not a monthly salary (it’s often ‘pocket money’ in this profession)

Do I have a plan? No.

But I do have time. To work, plan, think and reflect on all of them.

It’s not good money but I feel a lot closer to my passion. 

The idea was always to give people ‘news that deserves their attention’. It couldn’t have been possible if I lost mine. 

Just Do It! NOW!

We often wait for our life to give us opportunities for us to change something and start afresh.

Shifting to a new city, moving into a new house, going to college, changing a job, sometimes, these are our reasons to make some alterations to our life.

We think of losing weight before a vacation. We think of pursuing a hobby after shifting to a new house.

I’ve always thought I’ll make a schedule, wake up early, workout, do some yoga once I shift to a new place.

Not just that, my idea of waking up early for a cup of coffee is dependent on my new house.

But why?

Why are we so apprehensive about making new beginnings in the middle of our everyday life?

Why do we wait for things to change to find the strength to do something that we always wanted to?

If you want to start going for a run. Do it today! Not tomorrow because your new locality has a good track.

If you wanna learn an instrument, follow an art, do it today.

If you wanna end things with someone or confess your love to them, do it now!

Don’t let anything or anyone decide it for you.

New beginnings bring us the motivation to start something new. But they often do not come at the right time.

And the right time is now!

Commitment Requires A Lot Of You, Not All Of You

Hi,

What you’re about to read now comes from a place of experience, ignorance and an intention to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

I hope you find it in yourself to understand these issues and gather the courage to identify them and pluck them out of your life.

Some things in life start as a joke. Then you tend to find them cute and ignore them. You ignore the red flags and walk past them because you think you won’t have to cross them again.

Well, that’s where the trouble begins.

It took me some time to realise that we can never find the “correct one”, we create it, together.

This is true in case of a job, relationship, companionship, anything that requires commitment.

It is easy to identify strong signs like a boss who abuses you, a partner who uses violence to control you, a friend who breaks your trust. But, we often fail to identify signs that are alarming but often not in the forefront.

You start disliking your boss when they disrespect you or take out personal grudges. But how often do you realise if the same boss tried to bring insecurities in you?

You won’t realise that. Why? Because you will see that as ‘negative motivation’ and work harder to prove yourself to him or her.

Isn’t this the case with relationships as well?

Not all signs leave bruises or scars, but are equally devastating.

One day you will ignore it, the other day you will laugh over it. And by the time you realise that it is toxic and traumatising, they have already got a license to put you through that again and again.

I was once told that “I am responsible for my insecurities. I am responsible for over-thinking, for feeling unworthy, jealous.”

And like many of you, I believed that.

I started thinking twice before sharing what was in my mind. I started questioning my thoughts.

Instead of focusing on why I am feeling a certain why, my focus was on what if the other person gets angry?

There is a very small difference between being considerate and being foolish.

I let someone stab my self-esteem. Once, twice, and many more times.

What was my job?

Stay quiet, control and don’t provoke.

When we let someone get condescending and authoritative, we have already lost the battle.

Someone in constant denial can bring you to your lowest.

Don’t linger for too long to identify these signs. If you think they are bothering you, showing some courage needs to be your first step.

Commitment requires a lot of you, but not all of you.

When Life Is Everything Within The Four Walls

As we are in the middle of a health crisis, this blog feels like reading a book by people who braved wars, bloodshed, deaths and so much more. The only difference is that this time, I am a part of the chaos.

May 8, 2021, two years into the Coronavirus pandemic. 

Crores of people infected with a deadly virus, lakhs in hospitals, some lost their loved ones, others fearing for their lives or their close ones.

As I write this blog at 11:56 PM, I can hear an ambulance on the road near my house. Somehow it did not block my chain of thoughts because it has become normal. 

Now when I hear an ambulance, it is not just a siren. I do a silent prayer hoping whoever is in the ambulance has the strength to fight. 

The situation right now is devastating. I have seen the most insensitive become considerate.

I am not writing this piece to give you information about the virus. You already have enough of it, or maybe more. Some on your TV screens, others on your phone.

I am penning down my thoughts only because I know that these words will not just resonate with me in future but everybody else who reads them.

Many of us have read about the ongoing crisis, others have experienced and some have been bringing us information from ground zero. But what is that one thing that binds all of us together? UNCERTAINTY.

While I do enjoy surprises and I am thrilled to see what life has in store for me, I have been extremely uncomfortable with the uncertainty of my survival or the basic things that once constituted my day in a normal world.

Last I went to see a friend was in April 2021. Didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to do that for long.

Last I saw a movie in a theatre was in 2020. Didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to do that for long.

Last I went to a restaurant to eat was when I randomly dressed up without a mask and stepped out of my house with only my wallet. Didn’t know I would be stuck to Instagram to cook all that I love to eat.

Life has become uncertain.

One day it is someone you last met in 2014 testing positive, the other day, you know someone next door passed away due to the infection.

While this may not have affected all of us, it definitely has changed the way we look at life. My 10 year plans have now been pushed 20 years ahead. I do not know when I will see my friends, family, colleagues again.

While on one hand, we are bored of the pandemic figures, the fear of losing our loved ones is grappling us everyday.

Life isn’t smooth, I was told, but watching it come to a standstill has shaken me. 

There was a time I was scared if I would be able to match the pace of my changing life. And now? I want to live two days in one. I want to do things that take me away from this world that has stopped and shut itself.

We are living in a world where we are confined within four walls for years so as to escape one day. If this is life, what would it be to not live?  

As I write down these thoughts, I hope all of us have the strength to fight this crisis and emerge stronger! Stay safe!

Can You Escape The Social Chaos?

I wake up on a sunday with my phone under my pillow. I can hear birds chirping around me but I woke up to vibrations of notifications, messages and updates. 

The next thing I know, I am scrolling through all the data, pictures, election results, political fights, breakups, memes while I am in the washroom. 

That is how my day begins.

I switch between platforms as I grab my first bite. I cannot lift my head up to see if I am eating alone or with someone. This bombardment of data does create an existential crisis.

I can see my virtual friends using more and more filters, using captions that can change the way their life is perceived or put up stories about things they had no part to play in, but definitely creating an impact on other’s minds who see them as this ‘socially acceptable person’ or someone with a complete life.

I can see how people whom I spoke to last week about their breakup were up and uploading images till 3am last night. 

What do you understand of this?

We, as humans, have started looking at social media as some sort of a pacifier. It is like a space full of self doubt, low confidence, low esteem and also the same place where you feel you will heal yourself because it has so much to offer.

The next thing I know, I am reading about elections in the United States. Donald Trump’s comments on Joe Biden. Protests, mass demonstrations, vaccines for coronavirus, wildfires. There is so much to grab at once.

All the thoughts that I should have on a day with no laptop on my lap are washed away as some companies wish to divert my mind to what is happening near the white house or maybe why my ex put up a picture with another girl.

The number of hours I am spending on my screen is helping someone in the US mint money or even win elections.

This is a trap! 

All that was created to connect us and eradicate a digital divide has created chaos! 

Our thoughts, actions, reactions and decisions, all are determined and controlled by someone who feels he has the responsibility to calm down this mess.

Someone sitting behind super computers now knows my next action, my next click and how much time will I be looking at a cute dog video on Facebook. Does this not scare you?

This space wasn’t created by those who knew about mental health, addictions and the cost of giving up everything for a shallow virtual world. It was created by people who wished to bring technology in our lives in an attempt to replace the functioning of our brains with some artificial intelligence that they thought was a better substitute.

What you saw as a well connected network is now a fight. A fight to survive amid these radiations, fake news, manipulated information and excessive data.

It is evening and a post that I had put up on how increasing screen time is harmful for humans has 288 likes. It was 261 at 3:35 pm and 275 at 3:38 pm.

I want acceptance for what I just preached to the world on a platform that I criticise for snatching away my quality time. This trap has no escape.

Life On First Floor

Today evening, I was on call with someone who has been a very active part of my daily schedule

We had a very random conversation, where I mentioned how I have been stuck on the first floor since last two months and how badly I miss the usual things..

Roads, traffic, trees, vehicles and so much more

That is when I realised how this life
From this elevated view has so much to offer
Things I kept neglecting
While I was waiting for normalcy to return

As i stood in the balcony,
I realised how this world had come to a standstill

My evenings are usually spent walking in the balcony,
Sipping my coffee
Talking to people who have now started to relate to how the view from my house looks like

Everyday I learn something new about humans
As i stand in the balcony and look around

I see families walking in the garden area
Strolling at a distance, people discuss issues that they usually didn’t, back when everyone was in a hurry

Today, I noticed how every household had a different story to tell
Each window had a different reality to show

Sounds of couples yelling at each other
Voices of children crying and fighting

I am sure there were happy moments too, when everyone gathered together
For meals and movies together

While I was noticing all this
I saw my aunt
Struggling to prepare snacks at a time when she usually read or watched something alone

I see how she is happy to see her kids and the family around her
And also how she misses stepping out of the kitchen at times, unlike these days when her only getaway is changing the song on carvaan in the kitchen

My uncle is working from home, like the most of us
And has been trying to recreate his office space each day

While we talk about how adjustments come with age

I see my grandfather
Hesitating to come out of his room in the evening
When he sees everyone moving around and doing their things

In the middle of all this what struck my eye was how people are not used to being around each other

It’s surprising how we commit to spend lives with others
Vow to be with them all our lives
And times like these, where we can only be around our people have become ‘difficult’ and ‘confining’ for us, in a place we call ‘home’

Does this signify that even though we call ourselves part of a ‘society’
We still haven’t learnt to live together or share spaces?

We have been so busy in our schedules
That our presence, if more than usual, in our own homes
Has made many other members uncomfortable